The nights were the worst. Fear would overcome Phil in the worst of ways. The pain that he felt was unbearable and it was something that he had to learn to deal with eventually but in the beginning it was like a nightmare. It was almost as if he would become a scared little five year old that wanted to crawl into his parents bed and make the monsters disappear. He would become confused and disoriented as to what meds he had taken and what he was supposed to take. I was his ultimate lifeline. He called it the dark hole. He was scared of stepping off into it. He would wake up around 2:00 and say, "Renee, Renee, what do I take!". He would have no idea what he had taken, what to take or how often. He would be so disoriented. It was a nightly event. I started taking melatonin just so I would be able to go back to sleep after being awakened abruptly several times during the night.
The weekend after we got home my wonderful magnificent incredible sister in law Gloria was glorious! She arrived at my doorstep with my brother and my nephew along with the whole back end of their vehicle full of food. We have two refrigerators and I had difficulty finding room to pack it all in. She must have cooked for days preparing a feast for us. I can't tell you the relief I felt knowing that I would not have to cook for a very long time. Then the blessings started pouring in from friends bringing us meals from our favorite restaurants and they prepared love from their own kitchens. God has blessed us beyond measure.
In our kitchen on our pantry door, I started hanging all the cards. It soon became covered. Phil would pause and read them over and over. It gave him strength and encouragement to know that so many were praying for him daily. It's hard to imagine and know all the people and prayers and well wishes that have gone out for us. It brings tears to our eyes and warmth to our hearts daily and it encourages both of us. We talk frequently about being a testimony on the other side of all of this because we both believe that is truly what it is all about.
Unfortunately there is the day to day struggle. That is what any battle is about. The holidays were a struggle beyond my wildest dreams. Now I am a person that absolutely adores the holidays. I love to shop, I love to decorate, I love to cook, bake, wrap, party, you name it, I love everything about the holidays. I was having trouble breathing just thinking about the holidays this year. Thinking of going into the attic and pulling down all that stuff was about to give me a heart attack. It almost brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about it. I was OK buying things, I think I could shop through a hurricane but decorating and preparing this year was not an option for me. Phil wanted everyone over to the house for Thanksgiving. This was 2 1/2 weeks after his release from the hospital. I was exhausted and he had been back to the hospital from passing out from dizziness. Yes, one morning I thought I heard a thump but closed my eyes again and the next thing I know my daughter Tara is screaming, "where is Phil's walker, where is Phil's walker?". I couldn't imagine why she would need that since I always awoke before he did. I sprang out of bed and ran into the entry way and there was Phil, laying flat on the floor with the front door wide open. He had gone to take our little 4 lb. dog to the bathroom and passed out. Thank goodness our daughter was home so she could help him get up. Phil is not used to getting his bearings straight and then heading out. Like most of us, we get up and start walking. With all of these new drugs in his system, it made him light headed and he needed to take it easy, something he was not used to doing.
I started preparing for Thanksgiving three days before and I was working during all of this time also. It was to say the least, exhausting. Phil made it through the day on Thanksgiving but he paid for it all weekend. It almost cost him a trip back to the hospital. He was not able to withstand a lot of activity. The problem is that Phil loves to talk and Phil loves to be the center of attention and that's what makes him so lovable so I had to be the bad guy and monitor his activity, even his phone calls. I felt like I had a teenage son again. It was really hard. Getting him to rest when he needed it was very difficult. He fought sleep because he knew that sleep sometimes brought on that black hole that I spoke of earlier and he didn't want to wake up knowing that he might not be able to control his pain. We had to pass on every single party that we were invited to. We could not even go out for a 45 minute dinner. Phil's pain was so intense that sitting in a booth was not something that he could conceive. I was lonely and Phil was lost. It was a terrible feeling for both of us.
One of my co-workers quit the first of December and it became necessary for me to travel down to the Houston area to meet some of the customers that I would be inheriting. I was supposed to be gone for three days, two nights. I was on the phone talking to my co-workers and Phil knew I was talking to him and all of a sudden, I start getting texts from Phil in the other room and I hear him yelling at me. He was trying to tell me that I could not be gone more than one night! He followed it up with, "I mean it!". He was starting to panic. He could not be without me more than one night because he felt that he would not be able to dole out his meds or be able to control his pain or manage an emergency. I didn't know what to do because I had to do my job but I didn't want to leave Phil. He had become very dependent on me. Since I worked out of the house, I was very available to him. This was good but also bad in some ways because he learned to rely on me instead of himself so I became more than a caretaker. Drugs and pain can do strange things to you. I was constantly exhausted mentally and physically. Honestly, getting out of town for one night was good for me even though I was worried sick the whole time.
Now it was two weeks before Christmas. Still no tree, no decorations. I felt like a terrible home maker, wife, & mother. The guilt was setting in every time I drove down the street and saw all the beautiful lights. Still, I could not get my feet to climb those ladders in my garage and upstairs to my attics where all that stuff is packed away. UGH! OK, so I made my car drive to Michael's. They had ONE tree left that had lights already on it. It was the floor sample and it was half price. Problem was, it had colored lights on it. Should I? I have never allowed colored lights in my house ever! The tree came apart in 3 pieces and then the bottom. How simple compared to my 12 ft. million limb piece tree that takes me at least 2 hours to put together. Even though it is beautiful when finished, it is incredibly time consuming! I closed my eyes, asked the stock guy to take it to they front, bought another large Christmas floral arrangement for the entry, pulled my car up to the front of the store because it was raining buckets and the stock guy loaded it up for me and off I went. My youngest daughter Tara brought home a 2 ft. real tree that night because she didn't think I was going to ever get around to decorating, one without a stand so we had to rig that. She didn't like my tree either but with two trees now in our entry, it felt a little more like Christmas and now there was a place for the presents to be rather than just at the bottom of the stairs. When my oldest daughter Aubrie came in the door the first time her reaction was, "What is that? Colored lights?". Yep, my daughters had never seen them in my house before. Next year, it will either be on Craig's list or we will have a kitchen tree or maybe a back porch tree. We'll see.
Christmas came and went quietly. Thank goodness my sweet sister in law and brother had us over and we had a very nice time. Phil was very tired at the end of the day but he really enjoyed himself. He sat outside and enjoyed the ranch while my brother cooked steaks on the grill. Phil was getting better. He had taken himself off of the Flomax. That was the culprit of the dizziness. We wish we would have found that out a long time ago. That is a medicine that helps you urinate easily. You see, when you have all these meds in your system, you have to take other meds to help you with the side effects of all the other meds. It is just crazy! Phil's appetite had gotten a lot better. He was now able to eat more than just applesauce and oatmeal even though he asked for my "famous oatmeal" every morning. I think it was just his way of getting me to make his breakfast in the mornings. He was getting very sneaky!
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